303
Were I a character in a book (and I’m not entirely convinced that this isn’t the case) a 9th grade English class might fall asleep as a teacher drones on and on, trying to get them to analyze the meaning behind my freshman year dorm number: 303. Were I the teacher, and bear with me, we would discuss this number for a full class. Much to my imaginary student’s dismay I am of the firm belief that a door is never just blue, the light across the water is green for a reason, and room 303 was divined by my guardian angels. Angels, who sent me 3 of 3 roommates. Knockout, perfect, one of ones-- except I got three of them. Lucky bastard.
The anchor of my happiness throughout my life has been the privilege of knowing, loving, and connecting with other human beings. For a brief stint ( a full miserable year) I was left virtually friendless following an episode I can only describe now as bewildering, imagined drama, but it left a scar all the same. The idea of rebuilding the vitality of my life, friendship, scared me so deeply that I was reduced to tears so hard that the majority of the blood vessels in my eyes popped. Lol. The entire time I conversed with my future roommates online, I was convinced I was enacting some sort of evil incantation on them. I felt as though I was tricking them into thinking they would like me, only to pull the rug out from under them and reveal the boogieman. This melodramatic notion consumed me, and this is one of the only times I feel great joy in admitting that I was terribly, terribly wrong.
I will now write to you about my unwavering love for my roommates. To keep an English teacher from overthinking the succession, I will introduce them in the order of furthest to closest to me in the context of our twin beds.
ALLE
Alle is a photographer. In fact, I was fortunate to witness when she realized that photography was her life’s destiny. It was without a doubt one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. We had set out on one of our first ever excursions together, a treacherous adventure to the land of SCAD Major and Minor’s Fair. I headed for the film department and Alle made for the interior design area. When we met back up, she had an urge to check out the photography room where they were doing a live photoshoot. I believe in magic because of moments like these.
You know how that scene in Tinkerbell (2008)? The one we all dreamed would happen to us back when we still believed in fairies? In case you don’t, let me tell you.
Tink had just arrived in Pixie Hollow. She stood before a tree of tradition and wisdom, a tree that ushers the new fairies into fairy life. Before she could begin her journey, she had to discover her "talent" which is essentially the reason she was born, and the path she would follow in order to better the world. Her purpose. She was encircled by multiple symbols of talents to choose from: water, flowers, snowflakes, beams of light, and even mini tornados. Nothing called to her the way the fashioned tool of wood and steel did. The fairies in the room could feel it, the fairy queen could feel it, the audience back home could feel it, and most importantly, Tinkerbell could feel it. As if there was an invisible string connecting her soul to the hammer.
I’m not being dramatic when I say there is an invisible string connecting Alle’s soul to a camera. And as Tink’s hammer guides her to make everyone’s lives better, Alle does that with her art. I’ve seen it. She makes people feel gorgeous, human, and devastatingly seen. I’m not sure if she knows it yet, but I feel a certainty in my bones that she will change the entire industry and way we think about photography. When we walked into that demo room, Alle’s yearning for the art was palpable in the air around us. I felt sparks all around the room calling to her. I swear I’ll remember that moment until the day I die.
Since claiming her official title of the best photographer of all time, she kindly jokes that I am her muse. What this really means is I love getting my photo taken and will drop everything to be first in line when Alle needs someone to model for a homework assignment or passion project. The truth is, Alle is in all ways, my muse.
Shall I compare thee (Alle Haars) to a summer’s day (the literal fucking sun)? Yes I think I shall. Alle is pure light and warmth. Everywhere she looks she sees beauty and inspiration. She sees the good. Even when it's hard to do so, she goes out and makes a deliberate choice to seek happiness. And in doing so she spreads joy to everyone in her life. Like little rays of ever present sun that beams from her heart. She has been hurt by love many times, and still welcomes it with open arms and a bravery seldom seen in today’s culture.
She has a connection to nature and obsession with being present and fully alive in every moment that is infectious. Every day spent with Alle is bliss, she fills those around her with the childlike wonder that we lose as we age, but she never seems to lose it herself. Being around Alle feels like catching fireflies, whisper laughing under pillow forts because it's past your bedtime, and sticking your head out of the sunroof on the way to the beach on a sunny day.
On top of being sunshine incarnate, she is the funniest person on the entire fucking planet. I see your award winning comedy legend with a Netflix special and I raise you my freshman year suitemate cracking jokes at my desk while I was supposed to be getting ready for bed. I think it speaks to her intelligence, really, how quick off the dome she is. She connects with everyone this way, meeting their humor wit for wit and enchanting them with a laid back familiarity within moments of meeting them. Allowing them to stretch out and get comfortable like a cat might nap in the sun.
Last point I want to make about Miss Haars I’m going to put in the cursed, forsaken way that my generation’s brightest minds came up with: the bitch matches my freak like nooooo other. Okay? I said it. In every possible way we see each other, relate to each other, and strive to give each other the friendship we deserve. Whether that's sitting outside with snacks and the stars together, or being the loudest people on a night out, I’m down for anything as long as her hand is in mine.
ELLORA
Before Ellora and I had even met face to face, she was saving my ass. I was writing Lilith’s Haven, planning on self publishing, with no budget for a cover art designer. The funny thing about the universe is it is always trying to convince me that magic is real. That is the only logical explanation as to why, a few weeks later, the incredible Ellora Shah came into my life and made it much more whimsical and worthwhile with her god tier art style and refusal to be anything but her most authentic self. She read Lilith’s Haven, and I mean that italic read. She understood Lilith’s Haven, saw it, and saw me, in a monumental manner. She was picking up on little things I had put in there that I felt sure no one else would ever care about. But there she was, knowing that mud is never just mud and healing my heart in the process. We then began to do one of the most intimate and rewarding things two artists can do- collaborate. Ellora made my dream book cover, and her talent continues to move me when I look at it now, a year later. She had this brilliant idea to add planets on the back as gender symbolism and it is one of my favorite pieces of art ever. Not only that, Ellora champions my book like her life depends on it. Pointing her thumb at me and telling everyone we encounter for more than two seconds: Did you know she wrote a book? Yeah. And it'll change your life.
Ellora is my favorite type of friend. We don’t talk everyday, but if she called me right now and told me she was stuck in a time loop and needed my help– not only would I believe her, but I’d be on the next flight out to defy the laws of physics in the name of Ellora Shah. And I feel confident she would do the same for just about anyone. Ever. In the world. Because she just has that unfiltered goodness you read about in fairytales. Remember how she saved my ass with Lilith’s Haven? That was just the tip of the iceberg. She has rescued me from spontaneous Savannah rainstorms, unwanted encounters with men, deep feelings of depression, spirals of self judgment and she let me have the last of her Mac and Cheese cups. Multiple times. She is endlessly generous and selfless. Beyond day to day dorm life she has stepped up to help me pursue my dream of directing. When the prop knives for my first short film came in looking like they were straight up pulled out of a Looney Tune’s frame, Ellora got to work, using her masterful painting skills to make them ready for their closeups. When I left all my production design work to the last minute, Ellora stayed up until 3:00am with me, creating the most beautiful props on set so that I could feel my most confident, even if her sleep suffered.
I would argue that the world has not treated her fairly in a lot of ways. And yet. She remains one of the gentelest, kindest humans I have ever met. Though she does struggle with vicious bouts of roadrage. You would never guess the girl holding a middle finger out her window was listening to Mitski. Or Mazzy Star. Or Jeff Buckley. Or Boy Genius. And that's if she’s in a good mood. Believe it or not that is the joyful, upbeat side of her music taste that she bumps while doing her eyeliner for a night out with the girls. What can she say! She's a big thinker, feeler, and a damn good listener. Ellora will give you the best advice you’ve ever received in your life, then tell you she doesn’t know what she's talking about and distract you with a joke not dissimilar to the tastes of a middle school boy’s humor. I love her so much.
ELLEN
If you know me, you know Ellen. I talk about her at every given chance because what are the odds you can reach your leg far enough off your bed and hit someone else’s leg for a whole year, and still like them by the end? I do not think there's a better roommate fit for me out there.
When introducing Ellen to new people, I like to start with this story which I think summarizes her character quite nicely.
Once upon a time there was a girl named Reagan Ellis who was desperately trying to create her first short film ever, and it was for a grade. A couple days before she was set to film her short, the person who was supposed to do sound announced she would not be able to do so. Reagan had been living with the all-powerful Ellen McCanless for only five weeks, but nevertheless, Ellen stepped up to the challenge, reading and watching all she could on recording sound for a film. A complicated task not for the faint of heart! She recorded sound on set for fourteen hours striaght. Ellen McCanless is not a film or sound major.
Ellen has the kind of dependability, drive, and good sense that southern values envy. Like, if you asked Ellen to build a barn, she would figure out the timeline for it and have it done for you before the deadline she gave herself.
I could make a 700 page list of things Ellen McCanless has done for me and I've only known her for a year. This is because all she does is work to make herself better and make the lives around her better. She beta read Lilith’s Haven for me prior to publication, thus improving the book as a whole. When I decided I wanted to dedicate a space to writing and love she taught herself how to build websites so that you could read this letter now. She drove me up and down and all around Savannah for film projects, hauling equipment and DJing for my cast and crew members, keeping energy alive between takes with Gaga. She introduced me to Interview With A Vampire, altering the trajectory of my life. She borderline did my photoshop homework because lord knows I’m a lost cause there. Every time I run an outlandish idea by her, she doesn't tell me it's outlandish, but instead helps it come to life. Taking it and polishing it up, suggesting details that make the project all that it can be, which is how I would describe her presence in my life. Someone who makes me all I can be.
One of the most important things Ellen has done for me is unapologetically calling me out of my bullshit. Probably like 367 times. This is tremendously important. I have, what people politely put as, a big personality. Often this can mistranslate, causing people to assume that I don’t want to hear feedback. Ellen is one of the first people to properly recognize my “big personality” as an invitation for critique -- to help me become a better human. She kindly tells me when I am out of line, not because she likes to see me fail, but because she genuinely wants to see me succeed.
Ellen sees me in a different light than I am used to. Where everyone else sees me as a child of Aphrodite, she argues that I would certainly be in Athena’s cabin. When I tell her I’m a Rosetta, she insists I’m a Tinkerbell. Everyone is in agreement that I am red, but Ellen senses that I might be a bit blue. Silly comparisons, I know. And both can exist within me, I know. But it's so refreshing to have someone see sides of me that often go unnoticed. She inspires me to spend more time tending to different facets of myself, encouraging me to be as well rounded as she is.
In the latest of Ellen’s quest to be the most honorable hero of our time, she has agreed to be a producer on my upcoming film project. I’ll remind you once more that her major has nothing to do with film. It does not matter because Ellen crushes absolutely every goal she sets her mind to. There is nothing she cannot accomplish. I think her secret ingredient for success —beyond her heart of gold— is her genuine love of learning. She loves a challenge, thrives on them. I told her I wanted her as a producer because I trust her with managing a budget. This is true. She's a killer on a Google Excel Sheet. What I didn't tell her is that I need her on this project for my sanity. When Ellen is on a project I can’t help but feel things are going to be okay because she is so goddamn dependable and trustworthy.
What all the girls have in common is the strength they lend me. Oftentimes on set or even in pre/post production meetings I will convince myself that everyone secretly hates me and that I have not a clue what I’m talking about. But when Alle, Ellora, and Ellen are with me, that part of my mind quiets. They give me confidence and assurance when I need it most. In a world where we have all for some reason decided we are in perpetual competition with one another, these girls are my honest to god teammates. Who inspire the best in me, teach me, and love me everyday. My one of ones. But I got 3. Call me greedy, I don't care. I’m never letting go of my women from 303.
